When I refer to offering wise counsel I mean one friend helping another to understand his or her thoughts and feelings more clearly in light of God’s Word. I am not advocating that one person direct the life of another, or that a layperson practice psychotherapy without a license. There is a dilemma, however, in that just as God does not have enough imperfect and wise parents to keep the world populated, He also does not have enough imperfect and wise and available licensed therapists to help everyone who is in need. Most effective therapists I know have waiting lists of weeks to months. For this reason, and the fact that we are yoked together in Jesus, we all may be called upon from time to time to help one another.
A caution is in order. Please do not use this material to try to help someone who should be working with a trained and experienced therapist. Anyone who is suffering from mental illness or a severe personality disorder needs professional help and may also require medication. People who need help from a professional do not need a friend who is sincere and untrained. If you are at all concerned about someone you are trying to help, you should consult with a pastor, therapist, or other trained professional.
Underestimating the seriousness of someone’s mental health issues can result in disastrous consequences. If you think you may be getting in over your head with someone, you likely already are – get them the help they need!
An important indicator that someone needs professional help is if he or she expresses thoughts of harming himself or herself, or harming someone else. Once again, the best help you can offer is to contact a trained professional who can assess your friend’s risk and notify the appropriate authorities if needed. If you are concerned that your friend might get angry if you contact someone, the question you need to ask yourself is, “Would I rather have an angry friend or a dead one?”
Neurotic to Psychotic
Some therapists assess clients along a continuum of neurotic to psychotic. People who are neurotic have a medically healthy functioning brain, but struggle with specific patterns of thinking such as compulsivity, perfectionism, or self-esteem issues. People who are psychotic on the other hand, do not have a medically healthy brain and may be delusional, paranoid, or even hear what sounds like voices telling them to commit destructive acts that may include harming others, or even harming themselves to the point of suicide. These people need professional help, and once again, the best you can do is help them find a competent therapist they can trust. Your role may be limited to that of a supportive friend as long as you are physically safe when you are with them.
The Need to be Needed
Anyone in a helping ministry should ask himself or herself, “Do I need to be needed?” It is fine to want to be needed, but unhealthy to need to be needed. Helping someone should not be about your needs. Recall my patient with the amputated leg and how after she fell I was always outside of her cage when she stepped out. Was that for her benefit? Of course not. She never really needed me in the first place. She needed to realize that her left front leg was no longer there, which she did in one step. I was in her way from then on because of my need to protect myself from further self-condemnation.
If you fall into the need-to-be-needed trap, your well-being will likely be linked to your friend’s choices and outcome. If your friend continues to make poor choices, you may feel like a failure, and if your friend gets better, you may feel insignificant because your friend no longer needs your help.
Many people who need to be needed actually use these types of dependent relationships as substitutes for balanced friendships. The rationale is often that if others need them, they will not leave, which eases their own fears of abandonment and loneliness.
The need to be needed and fear of abandonment are often characteristic of enmeshed parents or caregivers who refuse to let their children develop a sense of competence and independence. They fail to realize that their relationship with their child should evolve away from dependency. God’s design is for both the parent or caregiver and the child to mature into their new roles as each is conformed more and more to the image of Jesus. The stunted alternative is a parent who demands dependence from an adult child, and an adult child who refuses to become who God intended, or is made to feel guilty when he or she tries. These same principles of developing competence and independence apply when offering wise counsel to others. The goal is for them to become competent and independent of you.
Questions
1) What are the differences between wanting to be needed and needing to be needed?
2) Do you know people who need to be needed? What does that look like? If you are discussing this question in a group, do not name a specific person so as to avoid the risk of gossip.
3) Do you need to be needed? If so, why? In what ways might that leave you and those you are trying to help vulnerable?
Convincing
Providing wise counsel to a friend should never deteriorate into convincing. Have you ever been asked, “Do you know of a good marriage convincer?” Or heard someone say, “I have an appointment with my convincer today.” If you find yourself slipping into convincing mode you are doing a disservice to your friend. Chances are your friend has already experienced a long line of convincers who have left him or her confused and unable to think clearly for himself or herself. If you insist on doing the same, you will either hinder your friend’s personal growth by perpetuating his or her pattern of unhealthy dependence on others, or activate his or her continued resistance to your pressure. In addition, you may as well be wearing a sign that says,
The successful outcome of your life
depends upon
you letting me be your God.
By the way, if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of an energetic convincer you need to decide if you want to present yourself as a living sacrifice to God, or as a dress-up doll to your convincer.
Questions
1) Do you know any convincers? How effective are they?
2) Are you a convincer? When have you tried to convince, and what was the result?
3) How often does convincing result in lasting change?
Ambivalence
Most if not all trained counselors, and everyone else for that matter, find themselves in convincing mode from time to time. This usually becomes apparent when they realize that the other person is stubbornly resisting what is obviously true. The next time this happens when you are trying to give wise counsel, try gradually shifting your position to one that is more closely aligned with that of the person you are trying to help, and often he or she will shift to a position that is closer to what you were originally advocating. I used to think these people were just being argumentative and stubborn, but more often than not what I was experiencing from them was their ambivalence.
Before receiving a Masters in Social Work, I thought ambivalence meant someone did not care about something either way. Actually, ambivalence means the opposite in that a person cares strongly both ways. That is why when you oppose one position, they defend it, and when you switch sides they defend the other. Most of the time it is not that they are trying to be difficult, it is their inner ambivalence surfacing between the two of you. You are experiencing outwardly with them, what they are struggling with inwardly. In essence, for them to feel faithful to their inner conflict, when you take one position, they are compelled to argue for the other, and vice versa. For example, if a friend is leaning towards divorce because of adultery and you support that position, they may say, “Yes, but what about forgiveness? Shouldn’t I forgive?” Then when you start supporting forgiveness, your friend responds by talking more about the violation of trust and reasons for leaving the marriage.
When people are struggling with ambivalence, the best way to help is to ask gentle, non-condemning, non-condoning questions, and give them time to answer because they need to hear their own thoughts and answers, not be bombarded with what you think they should do. Your goal should be to bring their ambivalence out into the open so they can see it more clearly. You do this by asking questions about both sides, while being very careful not to get drawn into a debate or argument. For example, you can ask, “If you stay together, what challenges will you need to work through?” and “If you get divorced, what pain goes away?” and “What additional challenges will divorce pose?” If your friend directs his or her anger towards you, relax and sit tight. Anger directed towards you is not the same as anger directed at you. Sometimes the anger needs to be discharged before thinking can begin. And never answer the question, “What would you do?” because you cannot possibly know until it happens to you.
Questions
1) What types of ambivalence have you seen in others?
2) How might you respond compassionately to someone who is experiencing ambivalence?
3) What types of ambivalence have you experienced within yourself? What questions can you ask yourself?
Contrarians
Ambivalence does not explain the difficulty of interacting with contrarians who disagree or modify everything you say or feel. These people remind me of a father and son who always hunted ducks together. Beginning in childhood, the son never stopped trying to impress his father. One morning when the son drove them to the marsh in his pickup truck for a hunt, he parked and let his new dog out of the back. The dog immediately sat next to the son who said to his father, “Watch this!” He threw a stick out into the water and the dog ran out on top of the water, picked it up, and ran back to shore without getting wet. The son said, “So dad, what do you think about my new dog?” The father shook his head slowly in disgust and said, “Take me home. There is no way I’m going to be seen hunting with a dog that can’t swim.”
The identity of contrarians is based on their opposition to whatever someone else is advocating. Engaging them is futile because they are not encumbered by having to come up with an original thought of their own. All they need to do is disagree with whatever you say. Some contrarians do not even limit themselves to what you say, but rather, distort your position and then argue against their own fabrication.
Another tactic contrarians often use is to create an absurd contrast such as, “Church services must be carefully planned with no deviation because no one wants chaos.” Really? Are there only two options? No deviation or chaos? What about an orderly responsiveness to the ongoing ministry of the Holy Spirit?
When you find yourself contending with a contrarian you must be alert and relentless in restating your position, and dragging him or her kicking and screaming back to the accuracy of what you said, not their distortion. This is hard work and necessary if you have any hope for a mutually healthy relationship based on truth and love, and not one based on your need to convince and their need to contend. On the other hand, you can just let them talk until you can think of an excuse to escape. The choice to invest your time, energy, and one mores is yours.
Questions
1) What experiences have you had with contrarians? What would you advise a new believer who is caught in similar situations?
2) Do you have contrarian tendencies? If so, do they get you what you want and serve you as effectively as you think they do?
3) What would it feel like to let go of the need to convince a contrarian of your positions, values, and perhaps way of life?
The Need for Approval Revisited
Just as it is hazardous for you to need to be needed, you are equally in peril if you need the approval of others. For example, if you happen to be like that duck hunting dog with some amazing abilities of your own, and you do not receive the approval from others that you desire and for that matter deserve, you have two choices. The first is to continue serving Jesus with your abilities, and let go of your need for the approval of others. The second is to conform to their desires and swim like a regular dog. If you do, it is likely they will still criticize you for your unnatural stroke. It is fine to want the approval of others, but not to need it.
Questions
1) Do you need approval from someone? If so, how do you feel when you do not receive it? Is it worth it? What can you do to break free of this bondage?
2) Can you imagine what it is like to try to win the approval of a contrarian? Perhaps your imagination is aided by experience. What strategies can you recommend to a new believer on how to break free of the need for a contrarian’s approval?